We all have two sides to ourselves – the one we
project in the outside world and the one we hold within us. And it’s not easy
to have a connecting thread to both of them. There are some emotions that we
can express easily, and then there are some which are atrophied, like a
neglected muscle.
People often mistake
numbness for nothingness, but numbness isn’t the absence of feelings; it’s the
response to being overwhelmed by too many feelings. Some snapshots of ourselves
are disturbing, and glimpsing them reminds us that we all have a dark side. We
are often despairing and chaotic within, and shifting our experience of what’s
happening inside and around us and looking at it externally can be challenging.
We don’t often remember
events and conversations clearly, but we accurately reflect how an experience
made us feel. If we could get answers about everything we think, we’d stop
going over those feelings and end that infinite loop of unnecessary
overthinking. Instead, we reach a stage where we are insufferable, and we know
it, but we can’t stop. So we keep telling ourselves the same story hoping for a
different outcome.
On the outward, we give
ourselves a pep talk of just figuring out ways to reduce our suffering and
chart out a goal-centric approach to life, but on the inside, we are clinging
to hell so tightly as if we might be getting something out of it. The distance
between our external and internal existence seems vast, and we falsely hope to
cover this journey and emerge from it unscathed. But the truth is that there is
a continuous decision to be made as to whether to evade pain or to tolerate it
and therefore modify it.
The pain feels like the
present but has roots in the past. It’s our histories that affect the ways we
think, feel and behave. At some point in our lives, we must let go of the urge
to create a better past. Our notion of the future can be just as powerful a
roadblock to change as our notion of the past. We tend to think that the future
is yet to come, but we create it in our minds every day.
We keep struggling between
these two sides of us. One is trying to outsmart the other. What a play of
power! And amidst all this power tussle between the two sides, we miss out on
our essential and most powerful ability to breathe in and out fully. Our minds
are so overwhelmed by day-to-day issues and also maybe some more significant,
emotionally demanding situations that we begin to feel locked within.
We may appear calm and
satiated on the outward, which can disillusion others around us. It may seem
that nothing is missing from our carefully timetabled existence, except
sometimes everything.
But our experimental approach
to life can sometimes shrink our fears and past experiences and help us come
out of our crises. There doesn’t seem to be a set formula for each of us. What
works for one may not work for the other. The tension between the inner and the
outer self is ongoing. What we present to the external world is curated and
usually not in alignment with our true feelings; thus, conflict arises.
However,
becoming aware of your inner self and how it balances with your outer self is
the foundation for sound mental, physical, and spiritual health. External
pleasures of food, fashion, sex, drugs, or alcohol cannot quickly fix a
mismatch between these two sides. Ask yourself what changes you need to
make to align your inner and outer selves. And while you begin to make these
changes, you will find many people quitting on you and leaving you
isolated. But in the end, if those changes make you feel good even
while you get left out by many, then worry not. You have made the right choices
to realign your core with the outer self. And it’s a matter of time before you
begin finding well-aligned connections in your life.
